I am beginning to take the trials and tribulations of life quite personally now. My Sat Nav on the iphone (Google maps) this morning wanted to me to take the route with the most number of Speed traps and cameras. This must be a conspiracy because every other day it takes me via the by-pass. I read a lot about how our lives are monitored and being on the internet opens us to all sorts of spyware. I can see it now. The Sat Nav sets me up to get caught speeding because my records show that with my early morning starts i often stray just about the 30mph limit, this in turn creates revenue for the local councils and my Insurance Premium is increased every time 3 points are added to my licence. The resulting depression means i have to visit the Doctor who will prescribe some soppy tablet at a ridiculously inflated price to keep me calm. The trouble is the tablets only work if I indulge in large volumes of Malibu (which at the moment cost a small fortune) and this leads to crates of Diet coke to clear my head enough ready for work.

The amount of money made out of me for straying 3mph over the allowed margin for error on roads that are deserted, apart from lost late night hedgehogs, is an unbelievable boost to the UK economy. Will I get thanks for this? Will I get an OBE or a Knighthood? No!! if i keep rushing nowhere i will end up banned from driving and then the Government and the country will make a fortune out of me trying to navigate the rail and bus network.

Worse still, I might have to bring my bicycle out of retirement!! And i look awful in Lycra and hate Helmet hair.